Sunday, April 19, 2009

How much value does life really have?

I have always considered myself to be very pro-life. I have protested and prayed outside of abortion clinics- both in high school and as an adult, with my own children in tow. I have been to the March for Life, walking in freezing weather to support the overturning of Roe v. Wade. I have participated in fund raising walks for our local crisis pregnancy center. I have done "spiritual" adoption of at-risk babies, praying for nine months at a time for the preservation of their precious lives. I have worn the t-shirts advertising my beliefs. I have four children of my own, with the fifth coming in a few short months.
A few years ago I heard the story of the friend of a friend who was told her unborn child would be born with many disabilities. She decided to abort her child rather than face a lifetime of caring for a special needs child. It was at that time that I first found myself wondering about the strength of my own beliefs. In the back of my mind, I wondered how pro-life I really was. I could relate to the fear and uncertainty this woman must have been filled with. I wondered, if I were faced with similar news, would I too want to avoid the difficulty of the situation by "terminating the pregnancy"? Though I certainly hoped not, I was not entirely sure how I would react to the news of an "imperfect" baby.
God has given me the opportunity to find out. I went to the dr. for a routine appointment and was told I had to have a repeat ultrasound. I had one at 18 weeks of pregnancy and the technician was unable to view our baby's entire spine. Now this may indicate nothing out of the ordinary, as baby was in an odd position and may have just made it impossible to see everything at that time. Unfortunately, it may mean something more. There is a possibility of abnormalities that caused the spine to be un-viewable. We will not know until I have the next ultrasound, this time a level 2 conducted by a specialist. The next ultrasound will not be for another 2 weeks. Last week, after receiving this news I went through an amazing range of emotions. It is hard to even describe the depth of my mood swings and the unending string of thoughts and feelings I experienced while processing the possibility of what the future might hold.
What I can try to put into words, however, is how God is working in this situation of uncertainty and worry. Amazingly, I did not find myself filled with thoughts of escaping the situation. My first thoughts were not of myself or the sacrifices I might have to make. My worries did not center around my expectations or my disappointment at having a possible change in plans. Instead, my initial reaction was one of fierce protection for my unborn child. I wanted to do all I could to give her the best life possible. I still don't know what that might mean or how I might do that but my prayers are more about her than me. I have not once considered not welcoming this baby into my life and our family. Though I do feel scared, I still very much want this baby and eagerly anticipate meeting her and caring for her. I still feel grateful to God for sending her to our family and blessing us with another little person to love.
I have always struggled with a tendency to be somewhat self-centered, lazy and weak. I know it is only through the grace of God that I am able to look towards the uncertain future and be willing to face whatever challenges God sends our way. I know He is strengthening me to trust more deeply, to love more fully, and to want to serve more selflessly than I have ever done before. I am still praying for a healthy baby. I am still hoping for a happy outcome and a (relatively) predictable future. At the same time, I love God completely and know that He wants what is best for me and my unborn baby. I know that He is with us and will bring good out of any situation we face in life. I know He loves me and that he loves my baby even more than I do. I know that my baby is in His strong loving embrace and I take peace in the knowledge that He is in control and will certainly do what is best for us all.


  1. Good attitude. Keep trusting in the Lord. He does know what is best for you and your child. And of course the best for you and your child, ultimately, is your and her salvation, and growing in His image. If it does happen that your child does have special needs, the Lord will equip you to handle the situation. Not that your daughter is a "situation." That didn't come out correctly, LOL. Your daughter is a precious little girl. And good will come out of this situation -- God works all things together for good for he that loves the Lord. Both for you and your daughter, He has a plan -- a future and a hope! Remember that if you get tired, scared or weary. Sometimes it is hard with my husband -- he has survived two different cancers, and is in the hospital right now from complications of a bone marrow transplant to put them in remission. Sometimes it's hard -- but each new day, no matter what his condition, we consider the day and his being alive a gift, and share it together as a blessing. May you do the same with your daughter. May she be the light of your life! A blessing like your other children, a very special blessing, who really teaches you how to live, and live for the Lord.

    krissy knox :)
    my main blog: Sometimes I Think
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  2. From your post I can see how God has been preparing you for this moment for years. All of the pro-life work you have done over the years have been moments of cooperating with God's grace, and you've been defending this little life with the others all along. You just hadn't met this little one yet.

    Unfortunately, it appears that your dear friend had not built up this storehouse of grace for whatever reasons. Perhaps she didn't have the opportunities.

    May His grace continue to support you through these difficulties, protect you from fear, and make you even stronger in your stance for the truth. May you continue to be blessed with the peace that passes all understanding. :D

    In Christ,
    Thanks for joining us for Pro-Life Tuesdays! blog hop. Hope you can come back another Tuesday. :D

  3. Oh, and Kari, it appears that baby #5 was healthy after all?, seeing as this is an old post. I hope that's the case, but I know you would accept God's plan any way he sends it. God Bless!



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