Monday, August 9, 2010

No turning back

    We have a lot going on at my house these days.  The baby’s first birthday is only days away.  We are having a family party this coming Saturday.  Then, the following Monday we will officially start our next year of home schooling, taking on the challenge of 6th, 4th, 2nd grades and kindergarten all at once.   I have so much to do to prepare.  I have presents to buy for the baby, a piñata to make for her party, shopping to do for the party foods, then of course, preparation of the foods, and finally two cakes to bake and decorate - one for the guests and a “smash“ cake for the guest of honor.  I also have lessons plans to finish up, more school supplies to buy, books to sort and organize for each child, and a few last minute things to arrange in our classroom.  Two weeks ago as I looked at all that was coming up, I thought I had plenty of time to get everything done- even with the orthodontist appointment my oldest daughter and youngest son have tomorrow morning and the meeting I have with a good friend on Wednesday afternoon.  Of course, whenever I feel on top of things life seems to throw me a curve ball. 
    Last week, all my well laid plans fell apart around me and I was forced to abandon my to do lists and deal with a completely unexpected and somewhat disastrous, though thankfully temporary, home emergency.   In the midst of our latest bout of home owner turmoil and knowing that none of the other things that needed to be taken care of were getting done, I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed.  As the mature adult I'm supposed to be, I should have handled it all with grace and responsibility.  Instead, I called my parents to whine. Frustrated, I vented to my dad saying, “If I had known what it would be like to be an adult I would never have moved out.  I would have let you and mom handle all the grown up things forever so I wouldn’t have to.”  He laughed and then said simply, “I’ll have to tell your mom you said that.”
    The thing was, though I said it jokingly, I really did mean it deep down.  There are so many moments in life when I just don’t feel as grown up as my life demands that I be.  There are so many moments when I just don’t know the right thing to do or the right way to handle all the crazy things that seem to come up.  When the kids are fighting, the bills are mounting, the baby is screeching, the laundry is piling up, the dishes are too, the house is falling apart, and Tim and I can’t agree on what to do, I feel so unqualified.  I feel so clueless.  There are times, so many times, I am not sure what is best, or how I should handle it all.  I really do wish, at times, that I could just go back to childhood and let someone else figure out what to do in the face of problems and difficulties.  I wish someone else could tell me the right answers to all life’s uncertain situations. 
    After he was done chuckling at my reaction to my all-too-grown-up dilemmas, my dad quickly pointed out that it was really much too late to go back.  He probably wanted to be sure I did not ever intend to show up, with a moving truck and my husband and five children in tow, at the door of the little two bedroom condo he and my mom now call home.  Or maybe he really was just offering a bit of fatherly wisdom... life moves in only one direction- always forward, never back.   We have no choice but to move along with it, trusting in God to see us through and doing our best whether we feel qualified or not.  After all, they say that God doesn’t ever call the qualified, but He always qualifies the called….

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