Thursday, January 21, 2010

Drowning in insecurities

Ever feel like you are drowning in insecurities? I have felt that way for most of my life. I am feeling it even more significantly lately. Where does all this insecurity come from? Is it from the worldly view of what gives us, as people, worth and value? The notion that in order to matter in this world we must be skinny, beautiful, young, and rich? I am, currently, none of these things. There was a time in my life when I was skinny and young, at the very least. Was I any less insecure then? Not really. So, maybe that is not the source of my feelings of inadequacy. Does it come from the judgments and teasing I endured as a child? Well, I was picked on an awful lot throughout my school years. However, my insecurities seemed to be there before all that started. I think my lack of confidence certainly contributed to my falling victim to the bullies in my life, but I don't think they were caused by them. Am I insecure because I was born third in a family of four children, with an older sister only 18 months ahead of me and a younger brother only 15 months behind? Did I, as a middle child, grow up believing I was unimportant and forgotten much of the time? I am not sure it helped me any to be a middle child, but the reality is I cannot blame that either.
My insecurities come from only one thing. Living my life focused on myself and losing sight of serving God. I have come to realize my lack of confidence is just a form of selfishness. It is caused by turning away from God and not trusting enough in Him.
My self worth comes from God. I matter- all of us matter- because we are formed in the image and likeness of our Lord. When we put ourselves at the center of our lives, we forget that God should be our focus. Without God, it makes sense we feel we are lacking. We are lacking something if we fail to worship and serve our Father in heaven. Knowing, loving and serving God is what we were created for!
I see, as I get older, that I am not alone in my insecurities as I so often felt growing up. Instead, many of my friends, family and peers seem to be feeling similar uncertainty and inadequacy. Perhaps, I am also not alone in my struggle to put God at the center of my life. If only, I could strive each day to live the life that God intends for me, how much more peace I would feel. If only I would worry less about living up to some man-made ideal, how much more effective I would be in living a life of consequence. If only I could learn to let go of my own selfishness and trust completely in God, how much greater I could serve Him and others. If only I thought less of myself and more of God how much stronger the relationships in my life would be. If only we could ALL focus on God, how much better our whole world would be!
Help me, God, to put You at the center of my life, to lay aside my desire for reassurance and validation and to, instead, seek to glorify You in all I do. Help me to worry more about bringing You to others and less about bringing others to me! Bless this world we live in, that so desperately hungers for You but so often fails to seek You or to recognize You.

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