Throwing in the towel....

            I embarked on a mission this summer.  Just 20 days ago, I wrote a post all about how I was going to spend this summer accomplishing a goal that I had set back last fall.  I was going to, out of sheer determination if nothing else, finish editing the novel I wrote back in November.  I would succeed at any cost!

November was a crazy month.  Despite having just started a part time job (my first outside-the-house job since having children), I signed up for NaNoWriMo 2012.  I knew it was a long shot- trying to write a novel while working and home schooling the children.  I knew my story idea was very vague and undeveloped too.  But one of the mottos of NaNo is “No plot?  No problem.”  It’s all about writing just to get the words on paper.  The hope, I guess, is that plot will come as you go along.   

            After I’d finished and “won”, I knew my story needed lots of work though.  The “No plot, No problem” attitude really did ring true for the duration of the month.  But in the months that followed….having 50,000+ words of a rough, plot-less, first draft, was a major obstacle to story success, of course.  I had my doubts even then.   I figured it was a good effort but not worth trying to fix.  I put it aside for the winter- both physically and cognitively.

But, I am not a quitter.  When I start something, I see it through to the finish.  So, over the spring, I kept thinking about that unfinished story and I talked myself into tackling it as a summer project.  The basic skeleton of a story was there (or so I told myself as I remembered my efforts)- so with time and patience and perseverance, I knew I could make something great of it.  I committed myself wholeheartedly to the task.  I was optimistic, excited, and, above all, determined.  I would succeed.

From day one, I was plagued with problems.  The story was just lacking.  It had no clear focus.  My characters didn’t know what they wanted or where they were going.  I liked the characters and who they were.  I had the tiniest details of their personalities and their lives worked out, but I didn’t have the big things worked out.  I kept getting caught up in the details and running into mental road blocks whenever I tried to work out the big issues.  I checked out books from the library all about novel writing and read them cover to cover.  But, the books, rather than shedding light on my editing efforts, ended up illuminated even more problems.

Anyway, suffice to say I was driving myself (and my husband who patiently listen to me rattle on and on about my struggles each and every evening) CRAZY.  It was an emotional process of trying to make something work in a story that nothing was working in.  I was fighting a losing battle but refusing, REFUSING! to give in.  I just wouldn’t fail and I wouldn’t quit.  

 Still, it wasn’t working.  So, I prayed and prayed and agonized and agonized.  

God told me what He wanted.  He asked me to give it up.  He reminded me that I need to be a mother first and that He wanted me with my children this summer, emotionally as well as physically.  (Incidentally, God speaks to me a lot- through Scripture, through the words of others, and through countless other sources too.  He gets His points across, if only I am willing to listen) 

I got the message loud and clear.  But, at first, I was still refusing.  I wanted to press on anyway.  I could do it.  I knew I could.  “I am committed to success,” I told myself.  But, that “no plot” thing is really obstinate when it comes to editing and God kept patiently calling me away.  

So, finally-- I threw in the towel on my 2^nd novel.  

It was not worth the emotional struggle, not worth the time and energy.  My summer is now on a different track.  No more mission.  No more mountain climbing.  No more stubborn refusal to succeed at any cost.  

I am focusing on my children instead, and on enjoying writing (when I can) and on relaxing.  It is not what I planned or what I thought I wanted, but life is full of sacrifices and sometimes real success comes in being willing to fail…..