A disasterous attempt at holiness

          I haven’t meant to take a break from blogging for Holy Week.  I have tried to write but the words just would not come.  That, coupled with the busy schedule we have had with lots of company visiting from out of town, and my blog has been quiet for nearly a week.  

          But, now here we are approaching the most holy time of year, the Easter Triduum, and I cannot help but take a few minutes to reflect on it all.  I am certainly no theologian so my reflections are probably not very deep but here they are anyway--

Last year, I tried to commemorate Holy Thursday with a Seder supper for the first time.  I carefully studied the traditional list of foods and made some substitutions so my children would be more willing to eat everything.  I made the food, all the while envisioning a dinner with deep meaning that would make lifelong memories and maybe become a new tradition.  I printed out the appropriate prayers and set the table with great anticipation.  It all looked lovely and would have had deep meaning, if not for the upturned noses and bad attitudes displayed by my children.  They were not in the mood for anything new and were out of sorts that evening.  I had little patience for their lack of enthusiasm.  In the end, only a few of the kids were allowed to chose to stick around to participate.  I am pretty sure they got next to nothing out of the experience since it had been preceded by an argument and a lecture.  Definitely not one of my best parenting moments. 

Our sad attempt at a Seder supper

But I think in many ways, it illustrates what Jesus’ passion was like for those present.  His apostles and many disciples had spent years following Him and preparing for the moment it would be revealed to all that He was the Messiah.   They had great expectation for the glory they would experience as Christ’s closest followers and even had conversations about which of them would be viewed as the greatest.  They didn’t want to even hear of Christ’s coming suffering or of the persecution He would experience.   

Though the clues were all there and Jesus did all He could to let them know the reality of His mission, they were slightly clueless as the First Triduum approached.  They didn’t stay awake to support Him in His hour of agony.  Instead they slept soundly, stuck in their own limited perspectives and their own distorted expectations.   When He was arrested and taken to His death, they ran away despite promises to the contrary.  In the end, only a few of them stuck around to be near Christ in His passion.  They missed the chance to experience up close the beauty of His self-sacrifice on the cross.  They missed the chance to be right there next to Jesus as He truly fulfilled His mission to save us all from something so much bigger than the persecution of the Romans.  The gates of Heaven were opened but where were our early Church fathers at that moment?  Hiding in plain sight just a part of the crowd or maybe cowering in fear where no one would find them?  Definitely not one of their best apostolic moments.

Like the apostles, I have spent my life trying to learn what it really means to be holy and trying to really put God at the center of my life.  But, still I find myself, way too often, caught up in my own expectations and putting all my energy into fulfilling my own agenda.  It is the struggle of humanity to put ourselves aside so that Jesus can dwell within us and work through us.  It is not easy to decrease so that He can increase.

St. Peter and his friends knew that struggle.  They experienced Jesus’ passion as sinners on the sidelines- just like me.  They needed, and benefitted from, Jesus’ sacrifice because they were weak and small and imperfect- just like me.  Jesus knew their weaknesses.  He knew they would fail Him and abandon Him.  He never stopped loving them though.

This Holy Week, I pray I will be as grateful for Christ’s undying love as the apostles were.  And I pray I will be as committed to trying to live out Jesus' love and mercy as the apostles were too- even in my weaknesses and imperfections.

I pray you have a Happy and Holy Triduum! 

P.S.-- This year, in place of a Seder supper, we are trying another new tradition- a Holy Thursday tea, the idea for which I found here at Shower of Roses.