My quarterly review--a self assessment

            When I quit my job back in January, I decided my new “job” would be as a writer- an independent, work from home, freelance writer.  For the first few weeks of my commitment to write EVERYDAY, I was having so much fun.  I sat down in front of my computer EVERYDAY with no agenda other than to write.   

My only goal:

to fill the page with words, 

any words I felt like writing, 

about anything that was occupying my mind.    

            And I did.  I recorded the little daily events and the little things my children said.  I wrote about memories from their babyhoods.  I worked on fiction projects.  I produced lovely meaningful blog posts (I think?!?!?!?).

I told myself writing as a “job” would not always be so easy and it would not always be so fun.  I told myself writer’s block would surely come in the future and insecurity might plague me some days and the words that were flowing so easily would probably prove elusive at some point.  But, I didn't worry.  No matter the challenges, I was committed to writing.  It was my new “job” and I would approach it as such.  I would work through the struggles and write something even when it was difficult.

            Ahhh- the best intentions…… I was right about the writer’s block and about the insecurities.  I was right about words sometimes being elusive.  Some days they just won’t come.  Some days, I stare at the empty computer screen and I want to write.  My fingers are itching to type but my mind is blank.  Sometimes I can’t come up with anything, no matter how hard I try.  

Worse, are the days I really want to write but despite my commitment to myself, life is just too busy.  Working from home is not the same as working outside the home and “working” for yourself is not the same as having a boss and deadlines and assigned projects.  So, my “career” as an independent, freelance writer is not exactly going as I had promised myself it would and it is not exactly the same experience I had hoped for and had envisioned. 

I am not, however, turning in my letter of resignation to myself.  Not yet.  I still love writing and I still feel God has given me this passion for the written word to glorify Him as best I can with it.  I still want to strive to write every day and to be committed to it.  I still want to write even when it is hard.   

          Even on my worst writing day- when the words are elusive and my brain is blocked and I am totally convinced I am no good at writing anyway- there is still something deep within that calls me to the computer or to my old worn out notebook.  And when I stare at the emptiness of the screen or the page, I feel called to fill it up.  There is still something inside me that conjures up stories and imagines amazing fictional places and people and I KNOW they will just come alive and take on a life of their own, if I only I can find the right words.

I couldn’t quit if I wanted to.  But, honestly …. I’ve never really wanted to anyway.