Monday, December 1, 2008

Driven mad!

I'm driving myself crazy! I have major control issues. I always have. I want to control the world, my family, my emotions- well everything really. This is not really my biggest problem though. It is not my need to control the big things that drives me mad. It is my reaction to the fact that I can NOT control these things. I find the more out-of-control I feel about the big things, the more I obsess about controlling the little things.
The election has been causing me a lot of stress and worry, so I've noticed the last few days I have been trying to make everything in my environment "just right". I may not be able to bring about world peace but all the blinds in my house are hanging perfectly straight down. The children's workbooks are free of all stray pencil marks and have no erasures in them. All their letters are completely closed in or I must make them go fix it. All the tags on our towels are tucked in and hidden from view. The drawers of all our dressers are closed with NO clothes sticking out the tops. The rug in the foyer is perfectly straight and even with the front door. The books on the book shelf are put in correctly, with the pages facing in and the spines facing out. I prefer if they are placed on the shelf in descending order from tallest to shortest. Everyone's pillows are on their beds with no part of the pillow hanging out of the pillowcases. I won't have it any other way. Little toys and crap on the children's bedroom floors, or God forbid, on my classroom floor, truly eats away at me. Just thinking about it makes me want to wash my hands. In fact, I have to wash my hands any and every time I touch, look at, or think about anything dirty.
I put enormous amounts of energy into fixing all these little insignificant things all day long and then find, I have very little patience towards my family. I would love to just relax but, at the same time, I can not just leave the tags sticking out of the towels! I feel compelled to fix it!
I always try to end my blogs on a positive note, with a hope towards the future or an answer to my problems.... but this one has no solution. I'm sure, though I am very aware of my issues, I will just continue to drive myself crazy fixing towel tags all day and resenting my children for drying their hands!

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